Sunday, July 20, 2008


“to be afraid or feel anxious or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event”

I have no idea what makes some people more afraid than others but everyone suffers from a fear or fears of something. For me, fear has always been at the forefront of my life though I try my best to hide it from everyone around me. I had plenty of crazy fears as a child and one could only hope they would disappear or lessen in intensity with age but that does not seem to be the case with me.

Just recently some of these fears have intensified and as irrational as I know I am being I can’t seem to kick them and they have seeped into my dreams as well. It’s bad enough to live with fear during the day but when it interrupts your sleep it becomes all consuming and really quite annoying. It’s especially bothersome when you have a nightmare where Robin Williams is sticking his face in your chest insisting that you give him your phone number. It may not sound so scary but trust me when I say you don’t wanna have that dream tonight.

Death has always been probably my number one fear and it seems to get worse with age. I guess that makes sense as every day I am one day closer to my inevitable demise. My imagination does not help the situation as I create vivid realistic scenarios in my head when faced with situations that make me uncomfortable. It would take a whole blog series in itself to explain the various scenarios I have created and for what situations but I will just touch briefly on my most recent nightmares and heart racing situations.

Terrorism. Seven years later I seem to have brought all the thoughts and feelings and fears of that time back. Perhaps it’s because one of the TV shows I have been watching revolves around the Oklahoma City bombing. Maybe it’s because of the fire alarm that went off at work followed by Miss I Can’t Handle a Crisis making an announcement to go to the nearest exit with absolute terror in her voice, followed by us walking down 13 flights of stairs trying to escape an unknown “enemy”. Possibly it’s all the explosions I hear every day at work with the construction site across the street blasting 2-3 times a day. Or maybe it’s because of that day when it sounded like a huge plane was headed towards the windows only to see actual planes (in NYC) fly right passed the windows as part of some stupid air show. Or it could be all these damn movies/TV shows about terrorists. Really, who knows?

After one particularly horrid nightmare involving hundreds of planes in the sky dive-bombing everywhere whilst trying to avoid being hit by US missiles, I got on the bus only to have a driver of a certain ethnicity. Oh that was NOT what I needed that morning. Of course the whole ride, as has happened many times in the past, I really believed once we hit that tunnel that was it for me.

It’s not as if I think about this stuff all the time or dwell on it, it just hits me when in certain situations and I don’t know how to rationalize my feelings and fears. Although really, how irrational are they? I don’t think anyone who dies really thought it was gonna happen that day or in that manner. It makes you wonder though if you are crazy. Are you the only one that thinks about things like this? I wasn’t even in the city that day in September but I have dreams sometimes that really make me feel as if I have been through something just as horrific.

My goal from this point on, is to find a way to try and be at peace with at least some of these fears. Don’t know how I’m gonna do it, but baby steps will hopefully get me there. Perhaps I’ll try one fear at a time starting with the smallest and most irrational. Although heavens there are so many! Honestly, if I listed all the things that scare me I’d be up all night.

I think before I hit the sack tonight I’ll watch some cartoons or the Best of Will Ferrell to ensure I have happy dreams. No Robin Williams in my head tonight!

Wishing everyone else sweet dreams.

Jill E.